Alcohol/Drug Abuse and Sexless Marriages

      Alcoholism and/or drug addiction are two of the most insidious, most destructive diseases in existence.  Not only do they affect the millions of sufferers, these conditions directly affect all those with whom they come into contact.  The closer to the alcoholic or drug addict a person is, the greater the effect.  The partners of these people are the ones who suffer as much or possibly more than do the alcoholic or addict themselves.  The effect of alcohol or drugs on a person’s sex life is, over time, devastating.

      Alcohol has long been used as a method to initiate sexual activity.  It can be an excellent social lubricant when used sparingly and in moderation.  Because alcohol is a depressant, a couple of drinks can lower inhibitions, thus allowing for a more expressive and exciting sexual encounter.  Likewise, certain drugs can stimulate a person into a point of sexual frenzy.  Others can give people the feeling of an out of body, almost spiritual, experience.  However, the effects of both alcohol and drugs is short lived and can leave one in a depressed state or in the mindset of having to use more to achieve or maintain the euphoric state of mind that exists when under the influence.

      The long-term effects of alcohol on a person’s sex life can be much more devastating.  From a social perspective, the alcoholic may exhibit bouts of anger or depression instead of a personable, social demeanor.  As it is impossible to predict what personality traits will emerge when drinking, many prospective sex partners are reluctant to become physically or emotionally close to this person, especially when they are drinking.  As alcoholism progresses, the physical need for alcohol and the accompanying mental obsession that is inherent with this disease increases and becomes the focal point of the alcoholic’s life.  Over time, all other obligations and considerations are dismissed by the alcoholic, including sex.  In addition, with men, excessive alcohol consumption makes it harder to achieve and maintain an erection.  For women, it can produce vaginal dryness and deaden physical sensations, thereby making it difficult to reach orgasm.

      This does not even take into consideration the mindset of the alcoholic’s partner.  What partner wants to have sex with a person whose mood is so unpredictable that they can go from happy and carefree to depressed and enraged in a matter of minutes?  The toll that alcoholism takes on the partners of alcoholics over time makes it very difficult, if not impossible, for them to maintain an emotionally caring attitude for the alcoholic.  They grow tired of the lies, empty promises and social embarrassments.  Though they may still love their partner, they become distant and fall into a hopelessness of their own.

      Drug addiction typically follows the same progression as alcoholism, but, depending on the drug, the time from occasional, recreational use to being trapped in the hopelessness of addiction is usually much shorter.  In severe cases, the addict’s insatiable craving for the next using episode combined with the physical effects of withdrawal from the last, make them undesirable as sexual partners.

      Some drugs, most notably cocaine, methamphetamine, and ecstasy, have reputations for increasing sexual drive or promoting more exciting, longer lasting sexual encounters.  Though these claims may be true to a point, in the long term, these drugs can cause erection and orgasm problems, not to mention the legal risks involved.

      The most effective way to ensure an active and exciting sex life is to stimulate the body’s most powerful sex organ – the brain.  Stimulating the brain by the use of mental visual-verbal stimulation, there is no drug that is a more potent sexual aphrodisiac.

      Anyone who suspects that they or their partner displays alcoholic and/or addictive tendencies is urged to seek the aid of a counselor trained in addiction therapy.

      In our next post, we will discuss the issue of Childbirth and Sexless Marriages.

      In the meantime, please visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC to learn how we can help you to “Bring back the sizzle!”  Also, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to stay informed about news, specials and new products.

Do I attack my partner?

      Most people would say, "No way!"  But stop and consider that there are many forms of attack other than physically.  You can attack your partners verbally, mentally and emotionally as well.  Let's consider these forms of attack for a moment.  In the case of otherwise loving couples, attacks most frequently take place during arguments.  These attacks place your partner on the defensive and are a way of winning the upper hand.    They allow you to press your advantage in order to ensure that you win the argument.

      Often when two partners in a relationship argue, one or the other, or both, attack the other verbally.  This can be in the form of name calling, or it can be a verbal assault on their intelligence, their personal worth or their behaviors.  It can also be in the form of minimizing your role in the issue, thereby absorbing the least possible amount of the blame, and by maximizing your partner's role in the issue, thereby placing them in a position to absorb the majority (or all) of the blame.  If you call your partner worthless, stupid, lazy or any other disparaging term you are attacking him or her personally.  Likewise, snide comments or innuendos can be equally hurtful.

      When on the mental attack, you may attempt to intimidate your partner using your intellect or logic.  This is a method used to belittle your partner and demonstrate your superior intelligence or knowledge without directly calling your partner stupid or ignorant.  Statements such as, "You should have known..." or "Didn't you know..." make your partner doubt his or her  power to reason or reinforces his or her lack of knowledge in a particular area.  The simple question, "Can't you do anything yourself?" raises doubt of a person's sense of self worth and to berate a particular behavior that your partner exhibits in public calls into question their sense of social skills.

      Taking verbal shots at each other or "sniping" causes hurt feelings and a general tension in the relationship that is difficult to diffuse.  This type of attack usually results from frustration and many become more common during winter when couples are more prone to stay indoors in close quarters for extended periods of time.

      The effect of all these forms of attack and many others have two things in common.  They are hurtful and they do not do the relationship any good.  The goal of a good relationship should be to support each other and help each other become the best that you can be.  It may be helpful to remember that all human action is prompted by one of two emotions - love or fear.  Personal attacks on your partner are born of fear, so it is helpful to determine what it is that you are afraid of either not getting something that you want or loosing something that you already have.

      Our goal should be to do whatever is possible and reasonable to help the relationship get better, and that begins with effective communication.  Please visit our Sexual Solutions, LLC website where our goal is to help you to help your relationship get better.  Also, be sure to follow us on Facebook (Sexual Solutions) and Twitter (@sexsol) to keep up with news, new products and specials.

Our Partner or Our Best Friend?

      Many times we hear people say that their partners are their best friends.  This seems like it would be great for a relationship, but is it really?  Let's take a brief look at what we expect and need from our partners and our friends.

      Friends like being together.  You're know you're friends when your partner wants to be with you.  How satisfying do you make it for your partner to spend time with you?  Think a moment about you and your best friend, and how you are together.  Do you listen to one another?  Do you pay attention to what your friend says?  Do you have a sense of what your friend is feeling?  Does your friend listen, pay attention, and have a sense of what you are feeling and thinking?  When your best friend screws up, do you blame or criticize?  No, you empathize.  When you're not getting what you want from your friend, do you whine and complain?  Not if you want to keep them as your friend.  Now, think about how you are with your partner.  Do you treat your partner the way you would treat your friend?  Why not?

      When we enter into a relationship, we expect that our partners will support us through thick and thin.  That they will supply us with all that we need from the relationship.  We expect that they will satisfy our physical, emotional, mental and sexual needs.  Sounds perfect, doesn't it?  Why, then, do most of us feel the need to go on that hunting trip with the guys or have that girls' night out?

      The answer is because we do not, can not, get everything that we need from our partners.  It isn't that our partners don't want to give of themselves, it's simply that they don't know how.  In most cases, our partners are of the opposite gender.  It's unfair to expect that they will understand all of our needs, since most of the time, we don't even understand them ourselves.

      Of course, your  partner is different from your friend.  But, there's no reason you can't also be friends with your partner. And, you'll spend a whole lot more time being with your partner than you ever will with any friend.  So, you want to become friends as well as lovers.  You give your friend respect and admiration.  That's the least that friends do for each other.  Shouldn't you do the same for your partner?  Don't they deserve at least that much?

Men: To become friends with your partner (opposite gender), what do you need to know about them?

      You need to know that women are different, and it's okay to be different.  Those differences aren't wrong.  They're just differences.  You need to know that you may be with your wife for maybe 80 years, and you will never, ever, understand her.

      Be interested in your partner.  Ask questions.  Lots of questions, especially about things you don't understand.  Be curious.   Listen to what she says.  Learn how she thinks.  Discover how she feels.  Notice the differences between you.  Respect those differences.  Your marriage needs those differences.  Here are some useful tips:

1. Always let her influence any important choice you make.

2. When she needs to complain, listen, nod, and don't offer suggestions.

3. Never ridicule, mock, or disrespect her because she is a woman.

4. Use every opportunity to show that you respect and admire her.

5. Tell her frequently how much you appreciate what she brings to the relationship.

 Women: To become friends with your partner (opposite gender), what you need to know about men?

      You know that men are different, but you need to learn that those differences must be respected and appreciated.  He's not wrong because he's a guy.  He's just different.  Because men seem less complex than women, you may think you understand him.  That's an illusion.  Get used to the idea that you will never understand him.  Accept that.  They don't need lots of questions or attention.  It has nothing to do with you.  It's a “guy” thing.  He'll be available when he's finished.  Here are some useful tips:

          1. If you're feeling mad, bad, or sad, it's okay to complain, but never criticize.
          2. When he's complaining, he may be open to suggestions.
          3. Never ridicule, mock or disrespect him just because he's a man.
          4. Pay little attention to his faults and flaws, but pay lots of attention to his strengths.
          5. Tell him frequently that you appreciate what he brings to the relationship.

      When you become friends, you get a whole reservoir of good and loving feelings about your partner.  Then, when conflicts occur you each start with positive feelings, and your conflict discussions are less likely to damage the relationship.

      It's time to mention that an estimated 90% of your conflict issues may never be resolved.  So, both of you together need to figure out which issues those are, and learn how to agree to disagree.  Friends give each other space to be different.  Couples who make an effort to become friends generally find themselves lifelong friends. You'll both be richer for always being with your friend.

Our next post - Am I really willing to listen to my partner?

In the meantime, visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC to learn how we can help you to "Bring back the sizzle!"

Also, be sure to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to keep up with specials, discounts and other news on our Sexual Solutions products.

How can I make my relationship better?

      Do we want to make our relationship better?  The knee-jerk reaction to this question would probably be, "Of course I do!"  In most cases this is probably true - to a point.  Many people are actually in the mindset that they want to want their relationship to be better, but are unwilling or unable to take steps to effect change.  For a relationship to become more than it is requires six components - acceptance, desire, effort, communication, cooperation, and reinforcement.

     Being creatures of habit, humans beings are frequently satisfied to languish in relationships that are marginally happy or, in some cases, downright miserable, because we are comfortable in them.  We know what we have and though the fantasy of other possibilities are quite attractive, we are either fearful of moving into an unknown existence without our partners or we have thought it through and realize that if we did this, the reality would likely never live up to the fantasy.  So, we sit silently, nursing the increasing despair of the feeling that what we have relationship wise is as good as it's likely ever going to get.

      The first thing we must do in order to improve our relationship is to reach a level of acceptance of the fact that if we, or our partners are unhappy in the relationship, we do not have a happy relationship.  We must also accept the fact that at least some of the problems are of our own making.  We cannot place all the blame on our partners, if fact, we probably shouldn't even place most of the blame on our partners.  Neither should we allow our partners to place the blame solely on us.  If relationships are a 50/50 proposition, so it stands to reason that the problems are most likely also be 50/50.

     Unfortunately, the one thing that's constant in life is change.  Relationships do not remain stagnant for long.  If they do not get better, they will get worse.  And usually, for relationship to get better, the people in them must get better.  Given this reality, we decide to throw caution to the wind and take action!  If we work on the premise that things will get worse and therefore we have nothing to lose, we decide to take the bull by the horns and try to turn the relationship around.  We then have reached the second requirement of those things necessary to make our relationship better - the desire to do so.  But how do we do that?

      Third, we have to make an effort to find a way to begin to effect the desired change.  This may be by seeking private counseling, searching the Internet for books; advise blogs, or forums; or websites (such as Sexual- Solutions.net) that offers help to people in loving relationships.  Once we begin to locate possible solutions to our problem, we may begin to drop subtle hints to our partner in an attempt to draw him or her into our way of thinking.  These hints may take the form of verbal hints or we may, for example, buy a book on sexual positions, a sex toy or sexy lingerie as a gift for our partner.  Although these steps are usually not harmful, they will almost always fail.

      Fourth, we must realize that the reason our initial steps toward a better relationship have failed is because our partners have no idea what's going on.  We must remember that our partners are in the same relationship as we and just because we were unhappy with the status quo, it doesn't mean they were.  They were likely as comfortable in the relationship as we were, even though we were unhappy.  So how do we prepare our partners to enable them to join us in our quest for a better relationship?  Communication is the third requirement to help our relation get better, it stands to reason - We communicate with them!   

      Many men will sigh or roll their eyes at this statement, but the fact of the matter is, if we fail to communicate effectively with our partners, there is practically no chance that our relationship will ever improve.  Although there are many (probably hundreds) of books and countless resources on the Internet regarding the subject of communication with our partners, we would be doing ourselves a great injustice if we didn't throw out a shameless plug here for our company, Sexual Solutions, LLC.  After all, relationship and sexual communication programs for couples is what we do, and our programs are designed to ease the pain and discomfort of communicating with our partners.

      Which brings us to the fifth component necessary to make our relationship better, cooperation.    Communication is essential to the success of this requirement.  If our partners do not understand what we are trying to do and why we're trying to do it, we will undoubtedly fail.  Once our partners have an understanding of what we perceive the problem(s) in our relationship to be, it will be up to them on whether or not they will work with us to reverse the trend.  We cannot change the relationship alone.  Our partners must be willing, if not eager, to face these challenges with us.  Not all partners will be enthusiastic about this prospect.  A few will fail to acknowledge that there are any problems at all in the relationship.  Others will see that there are problems, but attribute them all to us.  Some will see how any problems in the relationship, whether our, theirs or both, still affect the relationship and need to be addressed.  Still others may feel that the problems are insurmountable and decide to end the relationship.

      If our partner sees that there are problems in the relationship, but feel that we are the cause, they still may  be willing to help us work on them, if only for our sakes.  If we are fortunate, and have a partner who is fully willing to work shoulder to shoulder with us to make the relationship better, we are well on our way.  The other two groups of partners, those who refuse to acknowledge problems exist and those to feel the problems are insurmountable, may also be persuaded over time to help us work on them, but this will also require communication, and likely not so subtle communication.  We will have to let them know in no uncertain terms how we feel and what we would like them to do.  At this point, they may or may not change their attitudes.  If their outlook on the relationship does not change, we will have to make the decision whether to remain in the relationship or no.

      The sixth requirement to make our relationship better is reinforcement.  Once we have completed the first five requirements and see positive results, we will be ecstatic!  For a few days or weeks, our partners and we are getting along better than in years.  We're talking more, laughing more and our sex life is extraordinary! We have found the solution and our problem is solved!!  However, as the months pass, we realize that we have slowly been slipping  back to the way things were before we started the process.  Why?  Because we have not done anything to reinforce the changes.  Remember, human beings are creatures of habit.  Studies have shown that it takes repeating an activity for twenty-one days before it begins to become imprinted in our brains.

      In order to reinforce the changes that we desire in our relationship, we must continually repeat the behaviors.  For example, stop any arguments that are brewing with a loving embrace, tell our partners how much we love them, show appreciation for the little things they do for us, do things with them that we really don't want to do, and, above all, continue to talk with them about anything and everything.  By doing this, we will ensure that we will both have a happier partner and be happier ourselves.

      In our next post - Is our partner our enemy?  In the meantime, please visit our website at www.sexual-soultions.net to learn how we can help you "Bring back the sizzle!"