Do we want to make our relationship better? The knee-jerk reaction to this question would probably be, "Of course I do!" In most cases this is probably true - to a point. Many people are actually in the mindset that they want to want their relationship to be better, but are unwilling or unable to take steps to effect change. For a relationship to become more than it is requires six components - acceptance, desire, effort, communication, cooperation, and reinforcement.
Being creatures of habit, humans beings are frequently satisfied to languish in relationships that are marginally happy or, in some cases, downright miserable, because we are comfortable in them. We know what we have and though the fantasy of other possibilities are quite attractive, we are either fearful of moving into an unknown existence without our partners or we have thought it through and realize that if we did this, the reality would likely never live up to the fantasy. So, we sit silently, nursing the increasing despair of the feeling that what we have relationship wise is as good as it's likely ever going to get.
The first thing we must do in order to improve our relationship is to reach a level of acceptance of the fact that if we, or our partners are unhappy in the relationship, we do not have a happy relationship. We must also accept the fact that at least some of the problems are of our own making. We cannot place all the blame on our partners, if fact, we probably shouldn't even place most of the blame on our partners. Neither should we allow our partners to place the blame solely on us. If relationships are a 50/50 proposition, so it stands to reason that the problems are most likely also be 50/50.
Unfortunately, the one thing that's constant in life is change. Relationships do not remain stagnant for long. If they do not get better, they will get worse. And usually, for relationship to get better, the people in them must get better. Given this reality, we decide to throw caution to the wind and take action! If we work on the premise that things will get worse and therefore we have nothing to lose, we decide to take the bull by the horns and try to turn the relationship around. We then have reached the second requirement of those things necessary to make our relationship better - the desire to do so. But how do we do that?
Third, we have to make an effort to find a way to begin to effect the desired change. This may be by seeking private counseling, searching the Internet for books; advise blogs, or forums; or websites (such as Sexual- Solutions.net) that offers help to people in loving relationships. Once we begin to locate possible solutions to our problem, we may begin to drop subtle hints to our partner in an attempt to draw him or her into our way of thinking. These hints may take the form of verbal hints or we may, for example, buy a book on sexual positions, a sex toy or sexy lingerie as a gift for our partner. Although these steps are usually not harmful, they will almost always fail.
Fourth, we must realize that the reason our initial steps toward a better relationship have failed is because our partners have no idea what's going on. We must remember that our partners are in the same relationship as we and just because we were unhappy with the status quo, it doesn't mean they were. They were likely as comfortable in the relationship as we were, even though we were unhappy. So how do we prepare our partners to enable them to join us in our quest for a better relationship? Communication is the third requirement to help our relation get better, it stands to reason - We communicate with them!
Many men will sigh or roll their eyes at this statement, but the fact of the matter is, if we fail to communicate effectively with our partners, there is practically no chance that our relationship will ever improve. Although there are many (probably hundreds) of books and countless resources on the Internet regarding the subject of communication with our partners, we would be doing ourselves a great injustice if we didn't throw out a shameless plug here for our company, Sexual Solutions, LLC. After all, relationship and sexual communication programs for couples is what we do, and our programs are designed to ease the pain and discomfort of communicating with our partners.
Which brings us to the fifth component necessary to make our relationship better, cooperation. Communication is essential to the success of this requirement. If our partners do not understand what we are trying to do and why we're trying to do it, we will undoubtedly fail. Once our partners have an understanding of what we perceive the problem(s) in our relationship to be, it will be up to them on whether or not they will work with us to reverse the trend. We cannot change the relationship alone. Our partners must be willing, if not eager, to face these challenges with us. Not all partners will be enthusiastic about this prospect. A few will fail to acknowledge that there are any problems at all in the relationship. Others will see that there are problems, but attribute them all to us. Some will see how any problems in the relationship, whether our, theirs or both, still affect the relationship and need to be addressed. Still others may feel that the problems are insurmountable and decide to end the relationship.
If our partner sees that there are problems in the relationship, but feel that we are the cause, they still may be willing to help us work on them, if only for our sakes. If we are fortunate, and have a partner who is fully willing to work shoulder to shoulder with us to make the relationship better, we are well on our way. The other two groups of partners, those who refuse to acknowledge problems exist and those to feel the problems are insurmountable, may also be persuaded over time to help us work on them, but this will also require communication, and likely not so subtle communication. We will have to let them know in no uncertain terms how we feel and what we would like them to do. At this point, they may or may not change their attitudes. If their outlook on the relationship does not change, we will have to make the decision whether to remain in the relationship or no.
The sixth requirement to make our relationship better is reinforcement. Once we have completed the first five requirements and see positive results, we will be ecstatic! For a few days or weeks, our partners and we are getting along better than in years. We're talking more, laughing more and our sex life is extraordinary! We have found the solution and our problem is solved!! However, as the months pass, we realize that we have slowly been slipping back to the way things were before we started the process. Why? Because we have not done anything to reinforce the changes. Remember, human beings are creatures of habit. Studies have shown that it takes repeating an activity for twenty-one days before it begins to become imprinted in our brains.
In order to reinforce the changes that we desire in our relationship, we must continually repeat the behaviors. For example, stop any arguments that are brewing with a loving embrace, tell our partners how much we love them, show appreciation for the little things they do for us, do things with them that we really don't want to do, and, above all, continue to talk with them about anything and everything. By doing this, we will ensure that we will both have a happier partner and be happier ourselves.
In our next post - Is our partner our enemy? In the meantime, please visit our website at www.sexual-soultions.net to learn how we can help you "Bring back the sizzle!"
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