Do I attack my partner?

      Most people would say, "No way!"  But stop and consider that there are many forms of attack other than physically.  You can attack your partners verbally, mentally and emotionally as well.  Let's consider these forms of attack for a moment.  In the case of otherwise loving couples, attacks most frequently take place during arguments.  These attacks place your partner on the defensive and are a way of winning the upper hand.    They allow you to press your advantage in order to ensure that you win the argument.

      Often when two partners in a relationship argue, one or the other, or both, attack the other verbally.  This can be in the form of name calling, or it can be a verbal assault on their intelligence, their personal worth or their behaviors.  It can also be in the form of minimizing your role in the issue, thereby absorbing the least possible amount of the blame, and by maximizing your partner's role in the issue, thereby placing them in a position to absorb the majority (or all) of the blame.  If you call your partner worthless, stupid, lazy or any other disparaging term you are attacking him or her personally.  Likewise, snide comments or innuendos can be equally hurtful.

      When on the mental attack, you may attempt to intimidate your partner using your intellect or logic.  This is a method used to belittle your partner and demonstrate your superior intelligence or knowledge without directly calling your partner stupid or ignorant.  Statements such as, "You should have known..." or "Didn't you know..." make your partner doubt his or her  power to reason or reinforces his or her lack of knowledge in a particular area.  The simple question, "Can't you do anything yourself?" raises doubt of a person's sense of self worth and to berate a particular behavior that your partner exhibits in public calls into question their sense of social skills.

      Taking verbal shots at each other or "sniping" causes hurt feelings and a general tension in the relationship that is difficult to diffuse.  This type of attack usually results from frustration and many become more common during winter when couples are more prone to stay indoors in close quarters for extended periods of time.

      The effect of all these forms of attack and many others have two things in common.  They are hurtful and they do not do the relationship any good.  The goal of a good relationship should be to support each other and help each other become the best that you can be.  It may be helpful to remember that all human action is prompted by one of two emotions - love or fear.  Personal attacks on your partner are born of fear, so it is helpful to determine what it is that you are afraid of either not getting something that you want or loosing something that you already have.

      Our goal should be to do whatever is possible and reasonable to help the relationship get better, and that begins with effective communication.  Please visit our Sexual Solutions, LLC website where our goal is to help you to help your relationship get better.  Also, be sure to follow us on Facebook (Sexual Solutions) and Twitter (@sexsol) to keep up with news, new products and specials.

Is our partner our enemy?

      Of course they aren't!  Or are they?  Have you ever been in a situation where your partner suddenly lashes out at you about something that you had nothing to do with?  When this occurs, our first impulse is to retaliate.  Of course, this is an ill advised response and will only lead to an escalation of the argument.

      During this time, it does indeed seem as though our partner is our enemy; and they certainly appear to see us as theirs.  They are attacking us, sometimes on a personal level by calling us names, using disparaging terms or belittling us, our accomplishments and sometimes, even our sexual performance.  They are making it personal.  Usually, this is not about us.  This type of behavior occurs because our partners are frustrated or angry about something that has occurred that has nothing to do with us.  They have not thought out a response to whatever situation has upset them, so they attack the person closest to them, us, often personally.

      The best thing that we have found to break this type of attack is to remind them that we are not the enemy.  We would suggest holding the partner at the shoulders, looking them squarely in the eye, and saying, "I am not your enemy!"  This allows them a moment to grasp the nature of his or her actions and face reality.  The reality that we love them and do are not going to argue.  The reality that we are on their side and are there to support them.  Once the situation (and our partner) has calmed down, they will likely be able to discuss the cause of their distress.

      It is important to remember that we are not the only ones in the relationship that have problems; and that some of the problems that our partners have to deal with have nothing to do with us.  However, it is our responsibility as their partner to do whatever we can to help them to work through whatever difficulty they are facing.  Notice that we said "help them work through" not fix it for them.  To take the entire responsibility for our partners' problems would be saying to them that we do not think they are capable of handling their difficulties on their own.  If would reflect a lack of confidence in our partners.

      However, since everyone needs support, advise and the opinions of others from time to time, who better to know we can turn to than our partners?

      Our next post - Our partner or our best friend?

In the meantime, please visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC to learn how we can help you "Bring back the sizzle!"