Many times we hear people say that their partners are their best friends. This seems like it would be great for a relationship, but is it really? Let's take a brief look at what we expect and need from our partners and our friends.
Friends like being together. You're know you're friends when your partner wants to be with you. How satisfying do you make it for your partner to spend time with you? Think a moment about you and your best friend, and how you are together. Do you listen to one another? Do you pay attention to what your friend says? Do you have a sense of what your friend is feeling? Does your friend listen, pay attention, and have a sense of what you are feeling and thinking? When your best friend screws up, do you blame or criticize? No, you empathize. When you're not getting what you want from your friend, do you whine and complain? Not if you want to keep them as your friend. Now, think about how you are with your partner. Do you treat your partner the way you would treat your friend? Why not?
When we enter into a relationship, we expect that our partners will support us through thick and thin. That they will supply us with all that we need from the relationship. We expect that they will satisfy our physical, emotional, mental and sexual needs. Sounds perfect, doesn't it? Why, then, do most of us feel the need to go on that hunting trip with the guys or have that girls' night out?
The answer is because we do not, can not, get everything that we need from our partners. It isn't that our partners don't want to give of themselves, it's simply that they don't know how. In most cases, our partners are of the opposite gender. It's unfair to expect that they will understand all of our needs, since most of the time, we don't even understand them ourselves.
Of course, your partner is different from your friend. But, there's no reason you can't also be friends with your partner. And, you'll spend a whole lot more time being with your partner than you ever will with any friend. So, you want to become friends as well as lovers. You give your friend respect and admiration. That's the least that friends do for each other. Shouldn't you do the same for your partner? Don't they deserve at least that much?
Men: To become friends with your partner (opposite gender), what do you need to know about them?
You need to know that women are different, and it's okay to be different. Those differences aren't wrong. They're just differences. You need to know that you may be with your wife for maybe 80 years, and you will never, ever, understand her.
Be interested in your partner. Ask questions. Lots of questions, especially about things you don't understand. Be curious. Listen to what she says. Learn how she thinks. Discover how she feels. Notice the differences between you. Respect those differences. Your marriage needs those differences. Here are some useful tips:
Women: To become friends with your partner (opposite gender), what you need to know about men?
1. Always let her influence any important choice you make.2. When she needs to complain, listen, nod, and don't offer suggestions.3. Never ridicule, mock, or disrespect her because she is a woman.4. Use every opportunity to show that you respect and admire her.5. Tell her frequently how much you appreciate what she brings to the relationship.
You know that men are different, but you need to learn that those differences must be respected and appreciated. He's not wrong because he's a guy. He's just different. Because men seem less complex than women, you may think you understand him. That's an illusion. Get used to the idea that you will never understand him. Accept that. They don't need lots of questions or attention. It has nothing to do with you. It's a “guy” thing. He'll be available when he's finished. Here are some useful tips:
1. If you're feeling mad, bad, or sad, it's okay to complain, but never criticize.
2. When he's complaining, he may be open to suggestions.
3. Never ridicule, mock or disrespect him just because he's a man.
4. Pay little attention to his faults and flaws, but pay lots of attention to his strengths.
5. Tell him frequently that you appreciate what he brings to the relationship.
When you become friends, you get a whole reservoir of good and loving feelings about your partner. Then, when conflicts occur you each start with positive feelings, and your conflict discussions are less likely to damage the relationship.
It's time to mention that an estimated 90% of your conflict issues may never be resolved. So, both of you together need to figure out which issues those are, and learn how to agree to disagree. Friends give each other space to be different. Couples who make an effort to become friends generally find themselves lifelong friends. You'll both be richer for always being with your friend.
Our next post - Am I really willing to listen to my partner?
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