In our last post, Our Partner or Our Best Friend, we discussed listening to our partner and the difficulties that we encounter that hinder us from doing so effectively. We respect our friends and value their opinions. Otherwise we wouldn't have them as friends. We trust that our friends will be honest with us and that they would want the same in return. Since our partners are more important in our lives than our friends, why can't we hear what they are trying to tell us? Why can't we be as open and as honest with them as we are with our friends? In today's post, we will look at some of the reasons that we do not or can not listen to our partners.
When speaking with your partner do you feel like you've heard it all before? Do the things your partner tell you seem to go in one ear and out the other? Do you have selective hearing when it comes to your partner? If you are like most other people in relationships, all these things are true, at least to some degree or another. Why is that? Any or all of these issues can lead to feelings of increased frustration and generally getting on each other's nerves.
If left unchecked, the relationship can suffer a collapse of effective communication, and ineffective communication is the primary cause for the failure of a relationship. Verbal communication is a two-way street. It involves speaking and listening. The problem is that we frequently like to talk more than we like to listen. Talking gives us control over the conversation and allows us the opportunity to influence the thoughts or our partners. Talking also provides us the opportunity to gain respect and admiration of our partners.
Unfortunately, when we are talking we are not giving consideration to the thoughts and feelings of our partners. The truth of the matter is that if we wish to gain the respect and admiration of our partners or others, we should be listening more than talking. The main problem is that most of us don't know how to listen very well.
There are several reasons why we don't listen effectively:
Listening Requires Effort - In order to listen effectively to what is being said, we must focus our attention on the speaker. The words being spoken are important, but also important is the body language, the tone of voice, and the reasons behind the words.
Rapid Thinking - Human beings can think much faster than we can talk. On average, we can process spoken words at the rate of 600 words per minute. Most people speak at the rate of 125 to 150 words per minute. This gives our brain a lot of time to engage in pursuits other than listening. Most of the time, when what we feel is a key point has been made by the speaker, we instantly stop listening and begin to formulate a response.
False Assumptions - Because we feel that we know our partners so well, we often assume that we know what they are going to say. When that becomes the norm, we don't feel that we need to listen any longer. Also, if we feel that the topic of conversation is too complex for us to understand of is of little or no interest to us, our listening shuts down and our minds wander.
Preoccupied - If we have pressing problems or concerns that are weighing on our minds, we may pretend to listen to our partners while actually mentally dwelling on our own issues. This actually serves no purpose because when involved in a conversation, we cannot think with exacting clarity, nor are we giving our partners the respect of listening to their concerns.
Multiple Speakers - At times, we are bombarded by speakers. Our partners, the children, a business associate on the phone, the order-taker at the fast food restaurant all may be attempting to get our attention at the same time. Although we grab bits and pieces of each of these conversations, hoping to hear an important message, to grasp a meaningful bit of continuity would be impossible.
Distractions - In addition to our partners, we usually have to contend with a loud television or radio, air conditioners, machinery, traffic noise, barking dogs, and any number of other background noises that can distract us from effective listening.
Bad Hearing - Like it or not, we may suffer from hearing loss. Years of subjecting ourselves to sounds that were well over the recommended decibel levels for humans can have an adverse affect on our hearing. Some causes for hearing loss are illness or injury, heredity, some drugs and medications, tumors, a buildup of wax in the outer ear and many others.
Fear - Many times, we don't listen to our partners because we are afraid of what they are going to say. However, by not listening, we may actually aggravate what may be an already tense situation.
In spite of all these hindrances to good listening, it is relatively simple to become a good effective listener.
First, take all the issues listed here into consideration and make an effort to correct the ones that affect you. Second, the following actions will allow you to become an active listener and actually hear what your partner is saying.
Concentration - Focus on what your partner is saying and don't be concerned about your response. You time to talk will come.
Thoughtful Answers - It is not required that you have an immediate answer when asked a question. Take your time and consider your answer before speaking.
Questions - Ask questions for clarifying points that you aren't certain you understand. This will help you to understand your partner and will show that you are listening.
Repeat - Reinforce key points by repeating in your own words what your partner was saying. This also helps to clarify thoughts and removes the possibility that your understanding of the point was the same as that of your partner.
By avoiding obstacles and developing good listening habits, we can become highly effective in talking with our partners. This in turn will lead to more open and honest communication that will improve our relationships.
Our next post - Can I talk to my partner?
In the meantime, please visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC, to learn how we can help you to "Bring back the sizzle!" And follow us on FaceBook and Twitter to keep abreast of our news and to hear about our specials.
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