When most people enter into a relationship, we believe that he or she is our best friend, our confidante and can do no (or at least little) wrong and that there would be no secrets from each other. Sometimes we intentionally do not disclose all of our secret thoughts, feelings or desires to our partners. There are parts of ourselves that we have been, and still are, afraid to reveal to our partner.
We believe that they would ridicule us, reject us, become enraged, or, in the most extreme cases leave us because of our secret(s). In a great many cases, these secret(s) involve our sexuality at one level or another. It may concern a fetish or a fantasy that we have had since our youth, or possibly one that is only recently emerging. It may concern a sense of bedroom boredom or the desire to try new or different sexual positions or sexual styles with our partner. We may be curious about sexual variety and how compatible new ideas would be with our own sexuality. Whatever the case, because of fear we have we find it impossible to share these things with our partners and over time many become sexually frustrated. If the situation becomes too severe, we become less and less communicative which, if left unchecked, eventually will extend to all areas of our relationship.
In our Sexual Communications Programs, in order to allow a couple to open up and share these hidden feelings, thoughts, fetishes and fantasies, we instruct the participants to enter a "safe zone". In this mode, it is absolutely imperative that couples be able to freely talk about anything without fear of ridicule, rejection, anger, reprisal or desertion, either while working our exercises or afterward. A word of caution however, neither of you should reveal anything to your partner that would harm him or her, or others, mentally, emotionally or physically. For instance, many people in our society have had or are engaging in affairs although they actually do still love and care for their partner. It would be of no good to the individual or to his or her partner to reveal this. In fact, it could do much more harm than good. Although each person should decide for him/herself whether or not to reveal such things to his or her partner, we would recommend against it.
Once again, the best rule of thumb is to ask oneself, "Would telling my partner this harm them or another person?" If the answer is yes, it is our opinion that it should be left alone. If you feel that "confession" is necessary, we suggest seeking a member of the clergy or a professional counselor or therapist who would be bound by ethics not to divulge your secret. However, do not use this as an excuse to not talk to your partner about other sexual thoughts or desires that you may be harboring such as the desire to try new positions, the urge to experiment with new styles and techniques, or the thought of video recording your encounters, for example. Your partner may be more willing than you realize to accommodate your fantasies and perhaps throw in a few of his or her own in the process.
In order for you and your partner to place yourselves in a "safe zone", it would be helpful to ask yourself several questions:
- Do I still love my partner?
- Does my partner still love me?
- Do I want my relationship to be better?
- Is my partner is my enemy?
- My partner or my best friend?
- Am I willing to really listen to my partner?
- Can I talk with my partner?
- Do I attack my partner?
We'll cover each of these questions individually in future posts. In the meantime, please visit Sexual Solutions, LLC to learn how we can help you "Bring back the sizzle!"
No comments:
Post a Comment