Childbirth and Sexless Marriages

      Pregnancy and subsequent childbirth can have dramatic consequences on a couple’s sex life.  Although most couples look forward to having a baby, few comprehend the emotional and physical changes that the female will undergo or the potential impact that these changes will have on the relationship as the pregnancy progresses.

      Emotionally, during the first trimester there may be an increased desire for sex, primarily since the issue of birth control no longer exists.  The female may become conflicted about sex due to changes in how the female sees herself.  During this time, the female begins to view herself in a more maternal light.  Some women become preoccupied with sex and sexual dreams and fantasies may occur.

      As these changes become more pronounced, physically, the woman’s breasts may become hyper-sensitive, causing increased pain or pleasure.  Nausea and fatigue are common and can damper sexual desire.  If a threat of miscarriage exists, the frequency of intercourse and orgasms may decrease.  In this case, it may be felt that any form of sexual activity would be a threat to the child and no sex would be allowed.  Also during this period, the female may feel that orgasms linger and cause feelings of genital tension.

      During the second trimester, as the nausea begins to subside, many women begin to feel sexy with their new figures and the desire for sex increases.  Men, on the other hand, can become afraid of hurting the baby or concerned that the child will have knowledge of what is occurring should the couple engage in sexual activity.  This becomes more pronounced once the man has felt the baby move.  Sometimes, the man may become jealous of the closeness the woman has with the baby.

      Physically, the woman’s vagina becomes more lubricated and both the vagina and the clitoris are more engorged.  Many women become multi-orgasmic for the first time in their lives during the second trimester because of this additional engorgement.

      During the third trimester, many women begin to believe that their figures will never return to their pre-pregnancy form and that their partners are disgusted or repulsed by them.  Increased fatigue makes the desire for sexual activity diminish. 

      When the desire and time for sex does occur, couple may find that the positions that they have used in the past no longer work well, if at all.  Women should not lay on their backs, so side entry or woman on top positions are best.  Spooning or rear entry positions are also recommended.  During the third trimester, the uterus may have spasms lasting for up to one minute.  However, these should not be mistaken for contractions.  When nearing the due date, contractions may occur for up to half an hour after sex.  Due to the increased engorgement of the vagina and clitoris, orgasm may not relieve the woman’s sexual tension.  If the baby’s head is deep in the pelvis, shallow penetration should be practiced to minimize pain or spotting during or after sex.  It should be pointed out that sex during this period will NOT induce preterm labor.

      After childbirth, multiple issues will face the new parents beyond the fatigue that results from 2:00am feedings.  During pregnancy, the woman has undergone dramatic changes hormonally, physically and emotionally.  Afterward, it will take time for her body to heal and resume its normal rhythms and hormone levels.

      Many physicians recommend that couples refrain from sexual activity for four to six weeks after delivery.  This gives the body time to heal from injury to the perineum or surgical cuts to the vagina.  In cases of Cesarean sections, the healing time may be greater.  These types of delivery-related injuries can make intercourse painful.  In some cases, women wait one year or longer to resume sexual activity.  It is strongly advised to obtain clearance from your physician before attempting sexual activity.

      Other issues that may be encountered are a general depression that occurs in many woman following delivery as well as a general decrease in body image.  Vaginal dryness may develop due to hormonal changes and can last for about three months.  These hormonal changes in addition to postnatal depression account for the woman’s loss of libido that can last for up to one year or longer.  It is strongly suggested that couples consult a physician for assistance in overcoming these issues.

      It is strongly suggested that women consult with their physicians during and after pregnancy and follow their suggestions.  Doing this will greatly increase the probability of having an active sex life with their partner during pregnancy and resuming an active sex life as soon as possible after delivery.

      In our next post, we will discuss Lack of Communication and Sexless Marriages.

      In the meantime, please visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC to learn how we can help you to “Bring back the sizzle!”  Also, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to stay informed about news, specials and new products.

Alcohol/Drug Abuse and Sexless Marriages

      Alcoholism and/or drug addiction are two of the most insidious, most destructive diseases in existence.  Not only do they affect the millions of sufferers, these conditions directly affect all those with whom they come into contact.  The closer to the alcoholic or drug addict a person is, the greater the effect.  The partners of these people are the ones who suffer as much or possibly more than do the alcoholic or addict themselves.  The effect of alcohol or drugs on a person’s sex life is, over time, devastating.

      Alcohol has long been used as a method to initiate sexual activity.  It can be an excellent social lubricant when used sparingly and in moderation.  Because alcohol is a depressant, a couple of drinks can lower inhibitions, thus allowing for a more expressive and exciting sexual encounter.  Likewise, certain drugs can stimulate a person into a point of sexual frenzy.  Others can give people the feeling of an out of body, almost spiritual, experience.  However, the effects of both alcohol and drugs is short lived and can leave one in a depressed state or in the mindset of having to use more to achieve or maintain the euphoric state of mind that exists when under the influence.

      The long-term effects of alcohol on a person’s sex life can be much more devastating.  From a social perspective, the alcoholic may exhibit bouts of anger or depression instead of a personable, social demeanor.  As it is impossible to predict what personality traits will emerge when drinking, many prospective sex partners are reluctant to become physically or emotionally close to this person, especially when they are drinking.  As alcoholism progresses, the physical need for alcohol and the accompanying mental obsession that is inherent with this disease increases and becomes the focal point of the alcoholic’s life.  Over time, all other obligations and considerations are dismissed by the alcoholic, including sex.  In addition, with men, excessive alcohol consumption makes it harder to achieve and maintain an erection.  For women, it can produce vaginal dryness and deaden physical sensations, thereby making it difficult to reach orgasm.

      This does not even take into consideration the mindset of the alcoholic’s partner.  What partner wants to have sex with a person whose mood is so unpredictable that they can go from happy and carefree to depressed and enraged in a matter of minutes?  The toll that alcoholism takes on the partners of alcoholics over time makes it very difficult, if not impossible, for them to maintain an emotionally caring attitude for the alcoholic.  They grow tired of the lies, empty promises and social embarrassments.  Though they may still love their partner, they become distant and fall into a hopelessness of their own.

      Drug addiction typically follows the same progression as alcoholism, but, depending on the drug, the time from occasional, recreational use to being trapped in the hopelessness of addiction is usually much shorter.  In severe cases, the addict’s insatiable craving for the next using episode combined with the physical effects of withdrawal from the last, make them undesirable as sexual partners.

      Some drugs, most notably cocaine, methamphetamine, and ecstasy, have reputations for increasing sexual drive or promoting more exciting, longer lasting sexual encounters.  Though these claims may be true to a point, in the long term, these drugs can cause erection and orgasm problems, not to mention the legal risks involved.

      The most effective way to ensure an active and exciting sex life is to stimulate the body’s most powerful sex organ – the brain.  Stimulating the brain by the use of mental visual-verbal stimulation, there is no drug that is a more potent sexual aphrodisiac.

      Anyone who suspects that they or their partner displays alcoholic and/or addictive tendencies is urged to seek the aid of a counselor trained in addiction therapy.

      In our next post, we will discuss the issue of Childbirth and Sexless Marriages.

      In the meantime, please visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC to learn how we can help you to “Bring back the sizzle!”  Also, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to stay informed about news, specials and new products.

Care Giving and Sexless Marriages

      Another factor involving injury or illness that can have a severely detrimental effect on a couple's sex life is that when a couple is living with a long-term condition such as these, frequently, one of the partners becomes the default caregiver to the other.  In cases where this period of care giving extends into months or years, a shift in the dynamics of the couple's relationship may occur.  Gradually, over time, the caregiver may mentally, and emotionally, switch roles from partner and lover to helper and nurse.  This switch occurs subconsciously, at a much deeper level than is necessary to fulfill the routine day-to-day obligations of a caregiver.

      When this occurs, the caregiver still loves his or her partner, but begins to see them primarily as a person to be attended to rather than a lover and sex partner.  We think that, to a degree, this is normal given the circumstances, especially when the couple does not talk frequently and openly about sexual matters, thereby keeping their roles active in their minds.

      Another shift that may occur in a relationship facing these types of challenges is that the patient, already dependent on the caregiver for assistance in many areas, begins to see this as the norm.  They form a dependence on the caregiver beyond that which is necessary.  They do not attempt to do much, if anything, for themselves.  Subconsciously, they may actually like the concept of someone attending to their every whim.  This shift, especially when combined with the shift in the caregiver’s role, reinforces the perception that the two are no longer partners and lovers.

      Often the patient will recover sufficiently so that sexual activity may be resumed and the patient may desire for this to be the case.  Their physicians may give clearance for sexual activities but nothing happens.  The patient becomes confused and frustrated due to the lack of sexual interest and initiative on the part of his or her partner.  He or she may have concerns that their partner has entered into an affair or no longer loves him or her.

      This can be an extremely difficult process to reverse because over time it has become so ingrained into the life of one or both partners that they have lost the ability to see him or herself, or each other, as a sexual partner.

      In order to correct this situation, both partners should be mindful of their roles of the past months or years.  Assuming that the patient desires sexual intimacy, it is helpful if he or she becomes the sexual aggressor by enthusiastically initiating sex so that the caregiver has no doubts as to the extent of the patient’s recovery.  Though counseling may be necessary to get the relationship focused properly, a good way to begin would be the Sexual Solutions, LLC Basic Sexual Communication Program, which would place the couple in the position to speak openly about sexual issues.

      In the event of any injury that is affecting your sex life in any way, we urge you to discuss the issue with your physician and follow his or her advice.

      In our next post, we will discuss the issue of Alcohol/Drug Abuse and Sexless Marriages.

      In the meantime, please visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC to learn how we can help you to “Bring back the sizzle!”  Also, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to stay informed about news, specials and new products.

Injury and Sexless Marriages

      In the case of injury, the degree that the injury has on a persons sexual activities depend upon the nature and severity of the injury.  Some injuries will effectively end a person's sex life whereas other, more severe injuries to areas such as to the back, neck, abdomen or pelvic area may require a prolonged suspension of sexual activity until healing is complete.  Other injuries may require only a temporary suspension of activities.

      Injuries to the hands, feet, arms and/or legs may require a couple to make adjustments in the sexual positions that are used during sex, but generally, after the initial pain and discomfort subsides, would likely not prevent them from enjoying sexual encounters.  Amputations of one or more limbs would also require a suspension of sexual activity, at least until the initial pain and discomfort subside, but, baring unusual circumstances, sex may be resumed afterward.

      The most likely issue facing a person who has undergone an amputation is that of his or her self-esteem.  Many people suffer a severe drop in self-esteem after an amputation.  They feel that they are no longer physically attractive, no longer a whole person, or both.  This is especially true of women who have undergone mastectomies.  Many feel that they are no longer a woman.

      Support and understanding from the patient’s partner in instances of amputations is vital, particularly since while in the grief process, anger at the loss of the limb may emerge as being directed at the partner.  Talking at length with his or her physician, seeking the assistance of a counselor trained in this type of therapy, and/or seeking out an amputee support group (either face-to-face or online) are highly recommended and would likely help greatly in restoring a person’s sense of self-worth.

      As with amputations, in instances of paralysis, the patient will necessarily go through a grieving process.  This can be difficult for the patient depending on his or her level of acceptance of the situation.  At some point, the patient should honestly evaluate his or her condition and determine with what form of sexuality he or she may want to identify.  For example, the patient may decide that sex is not that important and decide to become asexual.  At any rate, the patient must evaluate what is sexually possible and what isn’t, given his or her condition.

      Often it is not the illness or injury that dampens a couple's sex life, but rather the medication prescribed to cure the illness or alleviate the pain associated with the injury.  Narcotic pain medications can have a numbing effect on the patient's brain, thereby lessening the sensitivity to physical stimuli.  Chemical and radiation treatments for cancer and other conditions can have a devastating effect on a person's general physical condition.  Other medications, including some anti-depressants, can lower a person's libido, cause vaginal dryness in women or, inhibit the ability of men to achieve an erection.  Often, there are alternate medications that may be prescribed that may lessen these sexual side effects.

      When confronted with any issue involving illness, injury or medication, you should not be hesitant to consult your physician.

      In our next post, we will discuss Caregiving and Sexless Marriages

      In the meantime, please visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC to learn how we can help you to “Bring back the sizzle!”  Also, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to stay informed about news, specials and new products.

Illness and Sexless Marriages

      Some time ago we posted a short entry on sexless marriages (relationships).  We now feel the need to expound on that topic.  It is estimated that 20% of marriages in the United States fall into this category, which means that the partners have sex ten times per year or less.  Although very few marriages begin this way, many seem to slowly devolve into this condition.  A sexless marriage can occur with couples of all ages, not just older couples.  Why do so many relationships suffer from this condition?  We think that there are several main causes.

• Illness
• Injury
• Alcohol and/or drug abuse
• Childbirth
• Lack of communication
• Lack of sexual attraction
• Taking each other for granted
• Differences in sexual desires
• Everyday stress

      Some couples enter into marriage purely for legal reasons, such as for tax or immigration purposes.  Other marriages are sexless due to a mutual agreement between the partners for other reasons and we will not address relationships included in either of these areas.  However, in this and the next several posts, we will examine each of the causes listed.

      The first cause of a sexless marriage that we will examine is that of illness.  Many physical conditions can affect the quality of one's sex life.  Obviously, acute illnesses such as colds, flu, acute bronchitis and situational depression can have an adverse, but temporary, impact on one's sex life.  Chronic conditions such as diabetes, clinical depression, cancers and a host of other long-term diseases also have adverse affects on one's sexual activities, and these, like the illnesses, are also long-term.

      Although there are too many chronic diseases that may impact a couple’s sex life to discuss them all, we will briefly look at four that are fairly common: diabetes, heart disease or stroke, cancer and depression.

      Diabetes can render a man impotent and unable to achieve an erection and can increase the occurrence of vaginitis (inflammation of the vagina which makes having sex painful) in women.  In addition, uncontrolled diabetes frequently causes fatigue in both men and women.

      Depression can affect either genders and causes the sufferer to become withdrawn and have the desire to sleep.  The connection between depression and sex is not clear and many who suffer from depression continue to lead normal sex lives, others find their desire for sexual activity greatly diminished or non-existent.  The general dampening of brain activity in men causes feelings of fatigue and hopelessness which may be associated with a loss of libido and erection problems.  In women, this diminished brain activity tends to account for a loss of interest in sex and difficulty achieving orgasm.  In many cases, the desire to resume normal sexual activities mark the end of the depressive episode.

      Being diagnosed with heart disease or recovering from a stroke can be a crippling blow to a couple's sex life, but these shouldn't necessarily spell the death of your amorous adventures.  Generally, health care professionals say that sex may be beneficial for these people providing certain precautions are taken.

      For heart disease patients:

• Choose a time when you're rested, relaxed and free from the stress brought on by the day's activities.
• Wait one to three hours after eating a full meal to allow time for digestion.
• Select a familiar, peaceful setting that's free from interruptions.
• If prescribed by your doctor, take medicine before sexual relations.

      For those recovering from a stroke:

• Be aware that your feelings about your body may have changed since your stroke.
• Try using pillows to help support your affected side during lovemaking.  

      Cancer generally has no direct effect on one's sex life.  It is normal for the patient's sexual desire and energy levels to change during treatment.  This can happen for a number of reasons.  Some common reasons are stress, fatigue, and other treatment side effects.  Body image issues may also play a part.  If the patient has had surgery for a cancer in the pelvic or stomach areas, it may make intercourse difficult or painful for a time. Some women have vaginal dryness, and some men have problems with erections (erectile dysfunction) as a side effect of some treatments.  These issues should be discussed with your physician and your partner.

      Often it is not the illness or injury that dampens a couple's sex life, but rather the medication prescribed to cure the illness or aid in the pain associated with the injury.  Narcotic pain medications can have a numbing effect on the patient's brain, thereby lessening the sensitivity to physical stimuli.  Chemical and radiation treatments for cancer and other conditions can have a devastating effect on a person's general physical condition.  Other medications, including some anti-depressants, can lower a person's libido, cause vaginal dryness in women or, inhibit the ability of men to achieve an erection.  Often, there are alternate medications that may be prescribed that may lessen these sexual side effects.  When confronted with any issue involving illness, injury, or medication, you should not be hesitant to consult your physician.

      In the event of any long term illness that is affecting your sex life in any way, we urge you to discuss the issue with your physician and follow his or her advice.

      In our next post we will discuss Sexless Marriages and Injury.

      In the meantime, please visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC to learn how we can help you to “Bring back the sizzle!”  Also, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to stay informed about news, specials and new products.

Need to talk?

      As you and your partner go through your lives together, your partners will, on occasion, do and say things that upset you.  How you respond to these has a direct effect on the degree and the quality of the communication that exists between the two of you.

      If your partner comes to you with something that he or she wishes to discuss, how do you handle your response?  Do you put off the conversation because you are busy?  Are you involved watching television and don't want to be bothered?  Have you ever told them to go ahead and talk while continuing doing what you were involved in, thereby only giving them part (usually a small part) of your attention?  Or, do you stop what you're doing and give them your full, undivided attention?

      The first thing that you should do is ascertain the importance of the request.  Often this can be accomplished by taking clues from your partner's non-verbal communication such as his or her vocal tone and timbre and his or her body language.  If you are still not certain as to the nature or importance of the topic, you should ask.  A response such as, "Is it important?  Do you need to talk now, or can we talk in a while?" should be sufficient.    Care should be taken not to voice this angrily or impatiently, but rather in manner that will indicate that you do want to talk, but that is inconvenient  to do so at the moment.

      If you are involved in a project or other distraction, you could appropriately ask if you could talk after completing it or upon reaching a point that taking a break is practical.  "I'll be happy to talk with you, but can it wait until I can take a break?" will usually let your partner know that you are ignoring him or her.

      Of course, if the topic is important, you should stop whatever you are doing as soon as possible and give your partner the attention that they need.  However, bear in mind that something that your partner feels is very important may not be that important to you, so you should treat the topic as being important because to him or her, it is. 

       When you do reach a point that you can stop what you are doing, you should immediately go to your partner and let him or her know that you are ready and willing listen them.  Really listen to your partner.  Give them your undivided attention.  Asking questions or repeating key points that are mentioned not only give you clarity on the topic, but reinforce to your partner that you are indeed listening.

      Please visit our website, Sexual Solutions, LLC, to learn how we can help you to "Bring back the sizzle!"

Also, join our Sexual Solutions blog to find additional information and tips and follow us on Facebook and Twitter to learn about news, specials and new products.

  

Do I attack my partner?

      Most people would say, "No way!"  But stop and consider that there are many forms of attack other than physically.  You can attack your partners verbally, mentally and emotionally as well.  Let's consider these forms of attack for a moment.  In the case of otherwise loving couples, attacks most frequently take place during arguments.  These attacks place your partner on the defensive and are a way of winning the upper hand.    They allow you to press your advantage in order to ensure that you win the argument.

      Often when two partners in a relationship argue, one or the other, or both, attack the other verbally.  This can be in the form of name calling, or it can be a verbal assault on their intelligence, their personal worth or their behaviors.  It can also be in the form of minimizing your role in the issue, thereby absorbing the least possible amount of the blame, and by maximizing your partner's role in the issue, thereby placing them in a position to absorb the majority (or all) of the blame.  If you call your partner worthless, stupid, lazy or any other disparaging term you are attacking him or her personally.  Likewise, snide comments or innuendos can be equally hurtful.

      When on the mental attack, you may attempt to intimidate your partner using your intellect or logic.  This is a method used to belittle your partner and demonstrate your superior intelligence or knowledge without directly calling your partner stupid or ignorant.  Statements such as, "You should have known..." or "Didn't you know..." make your partner doubt his or her  power to reason or reinforces his or her lack of knowledge in a particular area.  The simple question, "Can't you do anything yourself?" raises doubt of a person's sense of self worth and to berate a particular behavior that your partner exhibits in public calls into question their sense of social skills.

      Taking verbal shots at each other or "sniping" causes hurt feelings and a general tension in the relationship that is difficult to diffuse.  This type of attack usually results from frustration and many become more common during winter when couples are more prone to stay indoors in close quarters for extended periods of time.

      The effect of all these forms of attack and many others have two things in common.  They are hurtful and they do not do the relationship any good.  The goal of a good relationship should be to support each other and help each other become the best that you can be.  It may be helpful to remember that all human action is prompted by one of two emotions - love or fear.  Personal attacks on your partner are born of fear, so it is helpful to determine what it is that you are afraid of either not getting something that you want or loosing something that you already have.

      Our goal should be to do whatever is possible and reasonable to help the relationship get better, and that begins with effective communication.  Please visit our Sexual Solutions, LLC website where our goal is to help you to help your relationship get better.  Also, be sure to follow us on Facebook (Sexual Solutions) and Twitter (@sexsol) to keep up with news, new products and specials.